We moved mum from her home of 20+ years to an apartment near my brother, at her request, she was in the apartment for 6 years, and never settled. Her reasons for wanting to move, rats, dreadful neighbours, people talking about her, neighbours stealing her electricity……….. Now we know, none of this actually happened, it was the start of the AD. We very nearly moved her again to an apartment with a Warden, thank goodness we didn’t do it, it wasn’t too long before we had no choice but to move her to the NH for her own safety, and our piece of mind.
The move days went OK - Mum helped name all her clothes and we didn't have distress as we started the journey to the new home.
Yes all fine was with us, she had however forgotten our previous visit with her to look over the NH, and got mega upset when she realised that this was now home, but with the help of the staff we coped.
The care home were great on arrival, Mum was off for lunch introduced to some other residents, the staff were all welcoming.
Same here, on the advice of the staff we made a hasty exit when she went for lunch, I felt dreadful, worse than leaving my child on the first day of school. They advised us not to visit for a while, and I do believe that this did help her settle.
"Why have you taken me away from my friends and my home?" "when am I going home?" - but not the flat she has just left but the family house and garden she left and sold over a year ago.
Now we have the hardest question of all - "why can't I just come and live with you. I could look after you! - I could look after your house and get you a meal when you come home from work"
Mum swings from wanting to go ‘home’ to a house she had when I was a child over 40 years ago, to the house she was brought up in, then she says but I cannot go back there because the Germans bombed it. Then she wants to live with me, even offering me money.
How do I deal with it, I lie in spades. I tell her I have moved to a one bed roomed house because our old house was too big, and her house had dry rot that’s why she has moved to the ‘residential hotel’, I NEVER mention the words Nursing Home. I NEVER remind her of the problems she was having with falls, setting light to paper, eating rancid food, etc. etc. etc. When she says it’s a waste of money, I tell her it’s free because she is over 80!! She accepts all of this, but of course, we go through the same conversation dozens of times during every visit.
Adrian, in my opinion you say what you have to. We all handle it in different ways, some people I know its fine to tell the truth, with my mum, it just isn’t, in fact it would be cruel, so I just don’t.
I do take heart from the fact that when I talk to the staff, which is on a daily basis, they tell me she is fine, eating very well, sleeping like a top. She has ‘her days’ when she is aggressive, but they cope remarkably well and soon take the heat out of the situation whatever that might be.
She recently had a massive heart attack, but for the prompt action of the staff we would have lost her, so I take great comfort in the knowledge that she is very safe, and so very well looked after.
It may never get any easier for you, but take comfort in the fact mum is safe, and well looked after. Every time I visit, I take a deep breath, and count to 10 before I go in, I never know how the visit is going to go, sometimes its great, sometimes it isnt, its just the way it is.
Love
Cate
